lost & stuck

i am stuck.

stuck in a commercial rat race.

stuck in a political rally.

stuck in somewhere i don't wanna be in.

i am lost.

lost in an one-sided affair.

lost in a wishful thought.

lost in a mystery i yearn to unlock.

i am stuck at the edge, slowly losing my balance..

the magic question

are you happy now or merely pretending that you truly are?

ignorance

she has the right to know.

but i'm not about to let it come to light.

she has the right to choose.

but i'm not about to let her decide.

we got stuck, too often,

at a crossroad.

we got indecisive, too often,

to know which path to take.

i'm standing still, in mid of that yellow box

i wouldnt move, even if i should.

i wouldnt speak, even if i could.

i would only dodge.

in the grey zone, but never black or white

barely a week or two back. i was asked upon several issues by a married couple. first issue - "yq! when are you going to stop giving excuses that you're busy with work and school etc.?" second issue - "when are you going to set your heart on someone you're fond of and properly woo her?" third and final issue - "you have a life pretty much right on track and awaiting for the time to come. what's holding you back?"

they caught me off-guard. i'm taken aback and dumbfounded.

first. i'm sort of stuck in the complexity of the modern city life where it gives you no room for error. just like my line of work. people literally get killed for another's mistake. and it "forces" me to be right for the first time. i'm not giving excuses. i merely require more time to make sure my work and school don't get screwed up. simply because the consequence is something i can't afford. for now. and i won't deny that i've joined the biggest rat race in our modern world. the pursuit for what we all term it as - success.

second. i've lost confidence and faith in relationship. perhaps it's an effect of many disappointments. or maybe the true essence of love has lost its form through the contemporary evolution - in my opinion. it's no longer pure and simple but definitely material. it's no longer "do we love each other?", "do we trust each other?" and "let's brave all odds hand-in-hand, respect each other and accept for who we are." it has transformed to "do you have what it takes?".

i've set my heart on her. but i feel it's not that easy and that we can allow love and chemistry to work their magic. we both know that we are standing on a very thin line. and although life's about crossing thin lines, it didn't feel to me that she's willing to cross that line. and although everything changes from time to time, it didn't feel to me that i know how to convince her to cross that line. or maybe i'm just too scared to cross it myself to begin with. i'm afraid of losing - losing her.

third. maybe i'm in dilemma. i can't speak of anything that is holding me back, but i have thousands and one unspoken reasons. it's contradicting. i know. perhaps deep down in mystery, there is too much obstacles in between. i've become a slave to practicality and reality. if she could pull me out of this bottomless pit and show me where the light is shining, i would better know my position. she could but she won't.

in conclusion. i'm lost. really lost.

Heart of Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

trapped love

i've came to realise
unconsicously i'm building my whole life
based on those promises i made to you

i've came to realise
i'm a little too late and
you were no longer around to share

i've came to realise
no matter how hard i try to run
i'm still trapped in our love

future - a friend or foe

we spend our whole lives ...
worrying about the future,
planning for the future,
trying to predict the future.

on contrary, we are in denial to think that...
by figuring our whole lives out
we can better prepare ourselves
as if it can actually cushion the blow

but a fact that we can be sure about
is that the future is always ever-changing
it is the home of our deepest fear and wildest hope
it is the trail of our biggest misery and greatest joy

but one thing is certain
when the future finally reveals itself
it is never the way we imagined it to be
it is never the way we thought it should be

a love of business

It's about time I continue to update this site.

I've been busy lately. Really BUSY! It was work, tv show, sleep, and the cycle repeats. Let me explain.

24hours a day - A portion of it was contributed to work. That was how it is, everyday, over the period from 22April to 8May. I was supposed to have a rest day in between but got held up with a 2-days "How to troubleshoot" workshop down at Oriental. No complaint. It was a fruitful lecture. And the lunch buffet at Meltz was good although I didn't have much appetite.

Then the arrival of my weekend off.

Weekend off. One of the most tiring weekend ever yet one of the most exciting and enjoyable weekend lately. 48hours of no-sleep after my night shift. No joke boy. And what did i do? Two words explain it all - Buddy's Wedding (9May)

The funny part about these whole "busy" thing is the Mac slogan - "i'm lovin' it". It may seem like i'm whining or complaining about the little free time I have, which is indeed over-rated. But, the matter of fact is that i love every part of it. I love being busy. Just craving for more like an addict for work and activities. I'm thinking. I'm a step and a half into being a workaholic. The fortunate issue here is - Nobody's complaining for now for a single man like myself. So i guess i'm still safe.

Today wasn't exactly a good day. Today was bad. Real bad.

It was around 9pm. I was shutting some really big valve. 3 fellas including myself were on it. We exhausted most of our strength before more help arrived. Then came another 3 fellas. The area was pretty enclosed and small. And the lube oil we used on the valve stem was actually evaporating into fumes. I can sense something was amiss. When I finally took a step back, I began to realise my vision of the surrounding was turning darker.

For a moment I thought I was lacking of O2 and henceforth the decision to make my way down the ladder to the open space for some "fresh air" (how fresh can it be in my kind of environment). The matter did not subside. My vision became worse and I know I'm blacking out. I was helped towards the caravan.

The remedy plan began.

Took off my top with the fan directed at me. Drank some water. Take deep breaths. And slowly, I regained my composure. I thought about it. Many bad things could have happened if I didn't take the first signal of heat exhaustion seriously. And the symptoms of it are: dilated eyes, nauseous, difficulty breathing, excessive perspiring etc. if i can still remember. End of the day, remember to hydrate yourself sufficiently.

First Graveyard Shift

Got back after my first night shift.
I'm glad I survived the long night.
As a new guy, there's pretty much nothing you're really useful for.
Moreover, it was a real peaceful night.

And so you lurk around to keep yourself occupy and awake.
You mingle around.
You ask questions.
You chit chat.
You go to the tea room to have your regular dose of caffeine.
You go to the smoking point for a smoke.
And then you head out into the unit again.
Up and down. Down and up.
You survived the silent hours.

That's graveyard shift for you.
That's how my first night shift went.

Warm up my car.
Skim through the traffic onto the highway.
Was doing hundred-and-ten on it.
Was back in hometown in fifteen.

Drop by hundred-sixty-three for a bowl of ke-kou-mee.
And shot up another strong dose of caffeine - kopi-c-ti-lo

Got home.
Suppose to play tennis.
Cancelled it in the end.

Decides to stay up till evening before i retire into my dreams.
While waiting
Switch on my laptop.
Log onto my blog.
Started writing my first night shift experience.

And so i concludes
it isn't as bad as i imagine it to be.
in fact it was pleasant. very pleasant.

Growing up - Part II

Good Friday + Easter Weekend = A long weekend before my shift commences a week from now. To be exact - 20th April 2009.

I will be lying if I say I'm not anxious, and at the same time, nervous about it. It was the kind of feeling whereby 'you're looking forward to it but not looking forward to it '.

The 'looking-forward' portion includes the smooth traffic, the monetary benefits and the flexible timing in a certain sense. And the 'not looking-forward' portion includes the irregular work hours, the no-more-weekend entertainment and the drift from social life. Anyhow, this is what I signed up for. I should not regret and I have no regrets.

And over the weekend, there were a couple of coffeeshop chats. And so we've concluded - Growing up is harsh.

There's too much details toward it. There's relationship and its process cycle. There's friendship and its maintenance. There's family. There's marriage. There's wedding dinner. There's mum and dad. There's mum-in-law and dad-in-law. There's babies. There's child's education. There's building up your own family. There's many thing, anything and everything. There's simply too much details to go through in a lifetime. It's simply too costly to make it perfect. And yes. "Costly" is definitely the word for perfection.

Everyone views perfection is many different ways. What is your perfection?

And the answer to perfection bound to be an expectation, in an indirect sense, that create pockets for disappointment.

We expect. Although there's really nothing wrong towards expecting. The only downside to expectation is that we often get ourselves disappointed.

Most people in our era knows nothing about fortunate. Most people in our era knows nothing about satisfaction. And most people in our era have no idea how pampered we actually are. We want more. More is good. More's always good. In the end, we never seems to get satisfied with our lives. In the end, we got so disappointed by the act of our own actions. In the end, we got stuck in a pit without any knowledge how to get out from. We are a slave to our own doing.

On another note, we are cultured in such a way where there's always room for improvement. "You're good. Well done for this or that project. But nevertheless, there's always room for improvement." Simply said, it's never going to be good enough, and so we never feel good enough. We never ever feel satisfied. And so we continue to strive for the better. The best part is, there's nothing wrong with it, and in fact it's a good trait. The worst part is, slowly and surely, we become a slave to another doing.

Sounds pretty contradicting and confusing isn't it?

Growing up, by itself, is already a very harsh matter. Expectation simply makes growing up even more harsh. And these expectations open up many pockets for disappointment. There's probably only one solution towards this imbalance equation - omit the expectation.

Yet again, another problem arises... Can we really not have any expectations to begin with?

Growing and Aging

Growing up is a scary matter. It scares the shit out of me when I realise I'm growing up and there ain't a way to stop it.

There are more expectations of you, there are more people around you, there are more things you want to achieve etc. when you grew older. The quality improves. The quantity increases. And that's just about everything we see, we touch and we want.

It's all about getting out from that comfort zone and throw back into reality. Get slapped by it and to a new comfort zone, then back to reality again. And the cycle continues.

A major portion of growing up revolves around change. We don't like it. We fear it. But we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow. And anybody who tells you that it doesn't, is lying. But here's the underlying truth about it. Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes. Sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything.

At some point our lives, we have to make that one decision. There bound to be boundaries around the decision. And these boundaries don't keep other people out; they fence you in.

Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.

Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take your chances, the view from the other side is spectacular. Even if it isn't, you know never to cross that line once more.

Self-Salvation

Unlike the days when we were still young and innocent. Unlike the days when we were still experimenting the different aspects of life, which eventually are the good and bad experiences we all have today.

Today. Today's a good day to look at yourself again. You would see how much you've already evolved and changed into. You gained a certain amount of knowledge. You've been through reasonable amount of life encounters. You think differently. You act cautiously. But sadly, you are no longer as pure as when you were much younger. You find it harder to ask for what you want. You find it harder to do what you want. You feel the need to be politically correct. You feel difficult. You feel bounded and restricted.

The funny thing about this whole matter is. You know. You already know. After breathing for substantial period on earth, you know things. You know how to react to matters. You know how to solve them. You know what's "right" from "wrong" - politically. You know you're not taking control. And you know you have put a thin barrier of protection between you and the world you're in. A barrier of protection from embarrassment, gossips, and what others might perceive of you. And that's depressing to know. We are actually letting the environment takes control of us instead of the other way round. That's really depressing sometimes.

Without this barrier of self-salvation, can we still carry on this life journey?

Just summing up my week.

Monday. Work
Tuesday. Workshop @ Oriential. Catching up session over dinner @ Lau pa sat.
Wednesday. Work.
Thursday. Work.
Friday. Work and dinner.
Saturday. Ubi and Beach road for some fishing stuff. BBQ(EM) at night. Catching up session over coffee @ east coast.
Sunday. Lunch out with family. Grab my watch. Another catch up session @ PS.

"Life and mortality are in our faces all the time.
We could never know the length of our journey or how is it going to be like.
Yet we are certain that death is the end of our journey
Hence it seems to me that every minute is borrowed time for that extension.
And through this borrowed time we learn to care, to cherish and to appreciate.
And through this borrowed time we push death as far away as we can."

Time Reversal

Yesterday was long.
Started off in the early hours till midnight.
But it was worthwhile.

Yesterday was tiring.
Started off with a workshop at oriential followed by dinner at lao pa sat.
But it was fantastic.

Wouldn't it be perfect... if I could miss "yesterday" so dearly
and had "today" like "yesterday"
and hope "tomorrow" is like "today"

The dinner went on with a pencil story which i didn't complete telling:

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. "There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.

"One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.

"Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

"Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

"Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

"And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in his heart.

The night started off at about 7. And the chatty three-way conversation began. From the car ride to lao pa sat, through the dinner, and the ride back home, to home.

In the matter of fact, how often you have a THREE-way conversation that was both fruitful, intellectual and funny. There were reminiscing of the olden days. There were about how we all met. There were about the economy and how the market is doing. There were about the job. There were about endless there were. And it continued till late, even though we know deep down, we were pretty damn tired after school and work.

It got me thinking for a moment when i enjoyed the short 3 hours much much better than my other chaotic long nights. It really got me thinking.

Looking back. It was 10 years for one, 7 years for another. We've all grown up. Gone through numerous good times and numerous bad ones. But one thing for sure, we don't seem to be as jovial as before. And I suppose that the harsh reality of growing up.

At the end of the day, no matter how tough the road may be, you can wake up and tell yourself to be happy for the rest of the day or wake up and slap yourself on sadness for the rest of the day.

All in all, it was a fantastic catch up. From a "quarterly meeting" to a "monthly review". I really appreciate every bit of it. More for it to come. Cheers to R & S.

Whereabouts

please tell me where she is ...
she needs to push the reset button
to start the window in me