they caught me off-guard. i'm taken aback and dumbfounded.
first. i'm sort of stuck in the complexity of the modern city life where it gives you no room for error. just like my line of work. people literally get killed for another's mistake. and it "forces" me to be right for the first time. i'm not giving excuses. i merely require more time to make sure my work and school don't get screwed up. simply because the consequence is something i can't afford. for now. and i won't deny that i've joined the biggest rat race in our modern world. the pursuit for what we all term it as - success.
second. i've lost confidence and faith in relationship. perhaps it's an effect of many disappointments. or maybe the true essence of love has lost its form through the contemporary evolution - in my opinion. it's no longer pure and simple but definitely material. it's no longer "do we love each other?", "do we trust each other?" and "let's brave all odds hand-in-hand, respect each other and accept for who we are." it has transformed to "do you have what it takes?".
i've set my heart on her. but i feel it's not that easy and that we can allow love and chemistry to work their magic. we both know that we are standing on a very thin line. and although life's about crossing thin lines, it didn't feel to me that she's willing to cross that line. and although everything changes from time to time, it didn't feel to me that i know how to convince her to cross that line. or maybe i'm just too scared to cross it myself to begin with. i'm afraid of losing - losing her.
third. maybe i'm in dilemma. i can't speak of anything that is holding me back, but i have thousands and one unspoken reasons. it's contradicting. i know. perhaps deep down in mystery, there is too much obstacles in between. i've become a slave to practicality and reality. if she could pull me out of this bottomless pit and show me where the light is shining, i would better know my position. she could but she won't.
in conclusion. i'm lost. really lost.
