lost & stuck

i am stuck.

stuck in a commercial rat race.

stuck in a political rally.

stuck in somewhere i don't wanna be in.

i am lost.

lost in an one-sided affair.

lost in a wishful thought.

lost in a mystery i yearn to unlock.

i am stuck at the edge, slowly losing my balance..

the magic question

are you happy now or merely pretending that you truly are?

ignorance

she has the right to know.

but i'm not about to let it come to light.

she has the right to choose.

but i'm not about to let her decide.

we got stuck, too often,

at a crossroad.

we got indecisive, too often,

to know which path to take.

i'm standing still, in mid of that yellow box

i wouldnt move, even if i should.

i wouldnt speak, even if i could.

i would only dodge.

in the grey zone, but never black or white

barely a week or two back. i was asked upon several issues by a married couple. first issue - "yq! when are you going to stop giving excuses that you're busy with work and school etc.?" second issue - "when are you going to set your heart on someone you're fond of and properly woo her?" third and final issue - "you have a life pretty much right on track and awaiting for the time to come. what's holding you back?"

they caught me off-guard. i'm taken aback and dumbfounded.

first. i'm sort of stuck in the complexity of the modern city life where it gives you no room for error. just like my line of work. people literally get killed for another's mistake. and it "forces" me to be right for the first time. i'm not giving excuses. i merely require more time to make sure my work and school don't get screwed up. simply because the consequence is something i can't afford. for now. and i won't deny that i've joined the biggest rat race in our modern world. the pursuit for what we all term it as - success.

second. i've lost confidence and faith in relationship. perhaps it's an effect of many disappointments. or maybe the true essence of love has lost its form through the contemporary evolution - in my opinion. it's no longer pure and simple but definitely material. it's no longer "do we love each other?", "do we trust each other?" and "let's brave all odds hand-in-hand, respect each other and accept for who we are." it has transformed to "do you have what it takes?".

i've set my heart on her. but i feel it's not that easy and that we can allow love and chemistry to work their magic. we both know that we are standing on a very thin line. and although life's about crossing thin lines, it didn't feel to me that she's willing to cross that line. and although everything changes from time to time, it didn't feel to me that i know how to convince her to cross that line. or maybe i'm just too scared to cross it myself to begin with. i'm afraid of losing - losing her.

third. maybe i'm in dilemma. i can't speak of anything that is holding me back, but i have thousands and one unspoken reasons. it's contradicting. i know. perhaps deep down in mystery, there is too much obstacles in between. i've become a slave to practicality and reality. if she could pull me out of this bottomless pit and show me where the light is shining, i would better know my position. she could but she won't.

in conclusion. i'm lost. really lost.

Heart of Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

trapped love

i've came to realise
unconsicously i'm building my whole life
based on those promises i made to you

i've came to realise
i'm a little too late and
you were no longer around to share

i've came to realise
no matter how hard i try to run
i'm still trapped in our love

future - a friend or foe

we spend our whole lives ...
worrying about the future,
planning for the future,
trying to predict the future.

on contrary, we are in denial to think that...
by figuring our whole lives out
we can better prepare ourselves
as if it can actually cushion the blow

but a fact that we can be sure about
is that the future is always ever-changing
it is the home of our deepest fear and wildest hope
it is the trail of our biggest misery and greatest joy

but one thing is certain
when the future finally reveals itself
it is never the way we imagined it to be
it is never the way we thought it should be