Is this life we are talking about?

lost & stuck

2009-09-28T00:19:00.002+08:00

i am stuck.

stuck in a commercial rat race.

stuck in a political rally.

stuck in somewhere i don't wanna be in.

i am lost.

lost in an one-sided affair.

lost in a wishful thought.

lost in a mystery i yearn to unlock.

i am stuck at the edge, slowly losing my balance..

the magic question

2009-09-14T03:39:00.002+08:00

are you happy now or merely pretending that you truly are?

ignorance

2009-09-03T00:30:00.002+08:00

she has the right to know.

but i'm not about to let it come to light.

she has the right to choose.

but i'm not about to let her decide.

we got stuck, too often,

at a crossroad.

we got indecisive, too often,

to know which path to take.

i'm standing still, in mid of that yellow box

i wouldnt move, even if i should.

i wouldnt speak, even if i could.

i would only dodge.

in the grey zone, but never black or white

2009-08-20T06:46:00.006+08:00

barely a week or two back. i was asked upon several issues by a married couple. first issue - "yq! when are you going to stop giving excuses that you're busy with work and school etc.?" second issue - "when are you going to set your heart on someone you're fond of and properly woo her?" third and final issue - "you have a life pretty much right on track and awaiting for the time to come. what's holding you back?"

they caught me off-guard. i'm taken aback and dumbfounded.

first. i'm sort of stuck in the complexity of the modern city life where it gives you no room for error. just like my line of work. people literally get killed for another's mistake. and it "forces" me to be right for the first time. i'm not giving excuses. i merely require more time to make sure my work and school don't get screwed up. simply because the consequence is something i can't afford. for now. and i won't deny that i've joined the biggest rat race in our modern world. the pursuit for what we all term it as - success.

second. i've lost confidence and faith in relationship. perhaps it's an effect of many disappointments. or maybe the true essence of love has lost its form through the contemporary evolution - in my opinion. it's no longer pure and simple but definitely material. it's no longer "do we love each other?", "do we trust each other?" and "let's brave all odds hand-in-hand, respect each other and accept for who we are." it has transformed to "do you have what it takes?".

i've set my heart on her. but i feel it's not that easy and that we can allow love and chemistry to work their magic. we both know that we are standing on a very thin line. and although life's about crossing thin lines, it didn't feel to me that she's willing to cross that line. and although everything changes from time to time, it didn't feel to me that i know how to convince her to cross that line. or maybe i'm just too scared to cross it myself to begin with. i'm afraid of losing - losing her.

third. maybe i'm in dilemma. i can't speak of anything that is holding me back, but i have thousands and one unspoken reasons. it's contradicting. i know. perhaps deep down in mystery, there is too much obstacles in between. i've become a slave to practicality and reality. if she could pull me out of this bottomless pit and show me where the light is shining, i would better know my position. she could but she won't.

in conclusion. i'm lost. really lost.

Heart of Matter

2009-07-05T23:03:00.002+08:00

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

trapped love

2009-06-20T01:57:00.003+08:00

i've came to realise
unconsicously i'm building my whole life
based on those promises i made to you

i've came to realise
i'm a little too late and
you were no longer around to share

i've came to realise
no matter how hard i try to run
i'm still trapped in our love

future - a friend or foe

2009-05-21T19:55:00.004+08:00

we spend our whole lives ...
worrying about the future,
planning for the future,
trying to predict the future.

on contrary, we are in denial to think that...
by figuring our whole lives out
we can better prepare ourselves
as if it can actually cushion the blow

but a fact that we can be sure about
is that the future is always ever-changing
it is the home of our deepest fear and wildest hope
it is the trail of our biggest misery and greatest joy

but one thing is certain
when the future finally reveals itself
it is never the way we imagined it to be
it is never the way we thought it should be

a love of business

2009-05-14T03:56:00.002+08:00

It's about time I continue to update this site.

I've been busy lately. Really BUSY! It was work, tv show, sleep, and the cycle repeats. Let me explain.

24hours a day - A portion of it was contributed to work. That was how it is, everyday, over the period from 22April to 8May. I was supposed to have a rest day in between but got held up with a 2-days "How to troubleshoot" workshop down at Oriental. No complaint. It was a fruitful lecture. And the lunch buffet at Meltz was good although I didn't have much appetite.

Then the arrival of my weekend off.

Weekend off. One of the most tiring weekend ever yet one of the most exciting and enjoyable weekend lately. 48hours of no-sleep after my night shift. No joke boy. And what did i do? Two words explain it all - Buddy's Wedding (9May)

The funny part about these whole "busy" thing is the Mac slogan - "i'm lovin' it". It may seem like i'm whining or complaining about the little free time I have, which is indeed over-rated. But, the matter of fact is that i love every part of it. I love being busy. Just craving for more like an addict for work and activities. I'm thinking. I'm a step and a half into being a workaholic. The fortunate issue here is - Nobody's complaining for now for a single man like myself. So i guess i'm still safe.

Today wasn't exactly a good day. Today was bad. Real bad.

It was around 9pm. I was shutting some really big valve. 3 fellas including myself were on it. We exhausted most of our strength before more help arrived. Then came another 3 fellas. The area was pretty enclosed and small. And the lube oil we used on the valve stem was actually evaporating into fumes. I can sense something was amiss. When I finally took a step back, I began to realise my vision of the surrounding was turning darker.

For a moment I thought I was lacking of O2 and henceforth the decision to make my way down the ladder to the open space for some "fresh air" (how fresh can it be in my kind of environment). The matter did not subside. My vision became worse and I know I'm blacking out. I was helped towards the caravan.

The remedy plan began.

Took off my top with the fan directed at me. Drank some water. Take deep breaths. And slowly, I regained my composure. I thought about it. Many bad things could have happened if I didn't take the first signal of heat exhaustion seriously. And the symptoms of it are: dilated eyes, nauseous, difficulty breathing, excessive perspiring etc. if i can still remember. End of the day, remember to hydrate yourself sufficiently.

First Graveyard Shift

2009-04-20T09:11:00.004+08:00

Got back after my first night shift.
I'm glad I survived the long night.
As a new guy, there's pretty much nothing you're really useful for.
Moreover, it was a real peaceful night.

And so you lurk around to keep yourself occupy and awake.
You mingle around.
You ask questions.
You chit chat.
You go to the tea room to have your regular dose of caffeine.
You go to the smoking point for a smoke.
And then you head out into the unit again.
Up and down. Down and up.
You survived the silent hours.

That's graveyard shift for you.
That's how my first night shift went.

Warm up my car.
Skim through the traffic onto the highway.
Was doing hundred-and-ten on it.
Was back in hometown in fifteen.

Drop by hundred-sixty-three for a bowl of ke-kou-mee.
And shot up another strong dose of caffeine - kopi-c-ti-lo

Got home.
Suppose to play tennis.
Cancelled it in the end.

Decides to stay up till evening before i retire into my dreams.
While waiting
Switch on my laptop.
Log onto my blog.
Started writing my first night shift experience.

And so i concludes
it isn't as bad as i imagine it to be.
in fact it was pleasant. very pleasant.

Growing up - Part II

2009-04-12T05:57:00.005+08:00

Good Friday + Easter Weekend = A long weekend before my shift commences a week from now. To be exact - 20th April 2009.

I will be lying if I say I'm not anxious, and at the same time, nervous about it. It was the kind of feeling whereby 'you're looking forward to it but not looking forward to it '.

The 'looking-forward' portion includes the smooth traffic, the monetary benefits and the flexible timing in a certain sense. And the 'not looking-forward' portion includes the irregular work hours, the no-more-weekend entertainment and the drift from social life. Anyhow, this is what I signed up for. I should not regret and I have no regrets.

And over the weekend, there were a couple of coffeeshop chats. And so we've concluded - Growing up is harsh.

There's too much details toward it. There's relationship and its process cycle. There's friendship and its maintenance. There's family. There's marriage. There's wedding dinner. There's mum and dad. There's mum-in-law and dad-in-law. There's babies. There's child's education. There's building up your own family. There's many thing, anything and everything. There's simply too much details to go through in a lifetime. It's simply too costly to make it perfect. And yes. "Costly" is definitely the word for perfection.

Everyone views perfection is many different ways. What is your perfection?

And the answer to perfection bound to be an expectation, in an indirect sense, that create pockets for disappointment.

We expect. Although there's really nothing wrong towards expecting. The only downside to expectation is that we often get ourselves disappointed.

Most people in our era knows nothing about fortunate. Most people in our era knows nothing about satisfaction. And most people in our era have no idea how pampered we actually are. We want more. More is good. More's always good. In the end, we never seems to get satisfied with our lives. In the end, we got so disappointed by the act of our own actions. In the end, we got stuck in a pit without any knowledge how to get out from. We are a slave to our own doing.

On another note, we are cultured in such a way where there's always room for improvement. "You're good. Well done for this or that project. But nevertheless, there's always room for improvement." Simply said, it's never going to be good enough, and so we never feel good enough. We never ever feel satisfied. And so we continue to strive for the better. The best part is, there's nothing wrong with it, and in fact it's a good trait. The worst part is, slowly and surely, we become a slave to another doing.

Sounds pretty contradicting and confusing isn't it?

Growing up, by itself, is already a very harsh matter. Expectation simply makes growing up even more harsh. And these expectations open up many pockets for disappointment. There's probably only one solution towards this imbalance equation - omit the expectation.

Yet again, another problem arises... Can we really not have any expectations to begin with?

Growing and Aging

2009-04-02T21:20:00.002+08:00

Growing up is a scary matter. It scares the shit out of me when I realise I'm growing up and there ain't a way to stop it.

There are more expectations of you, there are more people around you, there are more things you want to achieve etc. when you grew older. The quality improves. The quantity increases. And that's just about everything we see, we touch and we want.

It's all about getting out from that comfort zone and throw back into reality. Get slapped by it and to a new comfort zone, then back to reality again. And the cycle continues.

A major portion of growing up revolves around change. We don't like it. We fear it. But we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind.

It hurts to grow. And anybody who tells you that it doesn't, is lying. But here's the underlying truth about it. Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes. Sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything.

At some point our lives, we have to make that one decision. There bound to be boundaries around the decision. And these boundaries don't keep other people out; they fence you in.

Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross.

Here's what I know. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take your chances, the view from the other side is spectacular. Even if it isn't, you know never to cross that line once more.

Self-Salvation

2009-03-29T23:30:00.004+08:00

Unlike the days when we were still young and innocent. Unlike the days when we were still experimenting the different aspects of life, which eventually are the good and bad experiences we all have today.

Today. Today's a good day to look at yourself again. You would see how much you've already evolved and changed into. You gained a certain amount of knowledge. You've been through reasonable amount of life encounters. You think differently. You act cautiously. But sadly, you are no longer as pure as when you were much younger. You find it harder to ask for what you want. You find it harder to do what you want. You feel the need to be politically correct. You feel difficult. You feel bounded and restricted.

The funny thing about this whole matter is. You know. You already know. After breathing for substantial period on earth, you know things. You know how to react to matters. You know how to solve them. You know what's "right" from "wrong" - politically. You know you're not taking control. And you know you have put a thin barrier of protection between you and the world you're in. A barrier of protection from embarrassment, gossips, and what others might perceive of you. And that's depressing to know. We are actually letting the environment takes control of us instead of the other way round. That's really depressing sometimes.

Without this barrier of self-salvation, can we still carry on this life journey?

Just summing up my week.

Monday. Work
Tuesday. Workshop @ Oriential. Catching up session over dinner @ Lau pa sat.
Wednesday. Work.
Thursday. Work.
Friday. Work and dinner.
Saturday. Ubi and Beach road for some fishing stuff. BBQ(EM) at night. Catching up session over coffee @ east coast.
Sunday. Lunch out with family. Grab my watch. Another catch up session @ PS.

"Life and mortality are in our faces all the time.
We could never know the length of our journey or how is it going to be like.
Yet we are certain that death is the end of our journey
Hence it seems to me that every minute is borrowed time for that extension.
And through this borrowed time we learn to care, to cherish and to appreciate.
And through this borrowed time we push death as far away as we can."

Time Reversal

2009-03-25T20:30:00.006+08:00

Yesterday was long.
Started off in the early hours till midnight.
But it was worthwhile.

Yesterday was tiring.
Started off with a workshop at oriential followed by dinner at lao pa sat.
But it was fantastic.

Wouldn't it be perfect... if I could miss "yesterday" so dearly
and had "today" like "yesterday"
and hope "tomorrow" is like "today"

The dinner went on with a pencil story which i didn't complete telling:

The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. "There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.

"One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand.

"Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil.

"Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make.

"Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside.

"And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in his heart.

The night started off at about 7. And the chatty three-way conversation began. From the car ride to lao pa sat, through the dinner, and the ride back home, to home.

In the matter of fact, how often you have a THREE-way conversation that was both fruitful, intellectual and funny. There were reminiscing of the olden days. There were about how we all met. There were about the economy and how the market is doing. There were about the job. There were about endless there were. And it continued till late, even though we know deep down, we were pretty damn tired after school and work.

It got me thinking for a moment when i enjoyed the short 3 hours much much better than my other chaotic long nights. It really got me thinking.

Looking back. It was 10 years for one, 7 years for another. We've all grown up. Gone through numerous good times and numerous bad ones. But one thing for sure, we don't seem to be as jovial as before. And I suppose that the harsh reality of growing up.

At the end of the day, no matter how tough the road may be, you can wake up and tell yourself to be happy for the rest of the day or wake up and slap yourself on sadness for the rest of the day.

All in all, it was a fantastic catch up. From a "quarterly meeting" to a "monthly review". I really appreciate every bit of it. More for it to come. Cheers to R & S.

Whereabouts

2009-03-23T20:45:00.004+08:00

please tell me where she is ...
she needs to push the reset button
to start the window in me

Maybe and Funny

2008-07-31T05:40:00.003+08:00

It's time. It's about time to reopen my blog.

On Pain:
Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

On Communication:
It's the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need.

On Happiness:
Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

On Intimacy:
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.
Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.

On Growing Up:
I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don't go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope - against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope...

On Denial:
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

Where does the good go

2007-09-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

Tegan and Sara - Where does the good go

Where do you go, with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
How do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken
It won't happen

It's love that leaves and breaks
The seal of always thinking you would be
Real happy, and healthy, strong and calm
Where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you're in love, and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
When do you say it's up for grabs and that you're on your way down?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Relationship Cycle.

2005-09-23T04:06:00.000+08:00

Soon another chapter of my education journey will be ending. I’m currently stuck in the midst of my exams, and thus unable to gather much thought to present you guys with anything. My apology. Just a short entry here.

Everything that life offers us, or vice versa, has a cycle. We’ve learnt the water cycle, the life cycle of animals/insects/plants, the menstrual cycle etc. Whatever it is, it’s a cycle. It’s a cycle we are revolved or involved in. What about man and woman? Is there a relationship cycle in between? Hear me out for this.

Relationship Cycle

Stage 1: Honeymoon Period.
I know I know. How cliché can that be isn’t it? Perhaps, that’s the period we probably enjoy most. The period where nothing else seems to matter anymore, apart from the person you’re emotionally attached to or whatever it is.

Stage 2: Quarrel
As honeymoon doesn’t taste sweet anymore, quarrels start to set in. Arguments are common when it comes to relationships. Misunderstandings, differences in opinion, attitude-wise, character-wise etc. are the culprits, as at this point all of them seem to become words. Such arguments can last minutes, hours, or even days and weeks.

Stage 3: Cold-shoulder
When both parties don’t seem to be able to make their stand, come to a conclusion, and sign the peace treaty, they get bored. Ignorant set in and they refuse to talk. Often, the woman will be expecting the call of apology, which sometime ended up quarrelling again. Often, the man will be too egotistical to take any initiative, and think he’s too right to be wrong and stuff.

Stage 4: Breaking up ‘or’ Peace treaty
Well, the heading speaks for itself already. Many a times, two resolutions are concluded. They are either breaking up or coming to a compromise. And when both agree, say the ‘peace treaty’ option, the honeymoon period (stage1) resumed, and the cycle relives.

Jessie.

2005-09-15T17:49:00.000+08:00

Like a lost soul, Jessie had longed lost her sense of time, her sense of direction and her sense about life. She’s jobless and wondered by the bay. She’s penniless and begged by the bay. She’s homeless and lived by the bay. She’s limbless, but had no recollection of any occurrences. Each day was an unpredictable day for Jessie. She had to brave all odds like the bad weather and the passing people.

The bad weather never seemed to take notice of her presence. Some day, the heaven would summon icy rains, piercing her bare naked skin like needles. Some day, they would summon scorching sun, scalding her skin to an extent where spontaneous combustion could well happen any time.

The passing people never seemed to take notice of her presence. Often, they would stepped over her, sometimes even onto her. Once a while, she would receive spits. At any time when she’s seen, the latter would often take off in horror. And never once, she had received a penny or two, food or care.

Perhaps, Jessie was used to not taking meals or drinks. Even if her stomach was groaning, screaming to be fed, nothing could be done due to her paralysis and her bad finances. Every minute, she felt lonesome. Every second, she felt meaningless.

As deep down inside Jessie, she was looking for an answer to her question, “Why?” And so, everyday without fail, she would wait for its every dawn and dusk. Perhaps, her belief still stood strong. Perhaps, her faith was still holding her together. And as with every beginning has an ending, every ending is also beginning.

And for years, she sat by and viewed every passing day. Today, a flown cover of a newspaper lands quietly by her side with a headline – “A spirit that haunts the bay.”

The Guilt and The Soft Side

2005-09-11T05:35:00.000+08:00

Everybody has a “soft” side. How cold-blooded a person can be, how stiff and straight a person can be or how hard-hearted a person can be, I still believe in the soft side of each individual. I have no definition in mind now to actually define “soft” side. It can be anything ranging from an issue you feel, think, empathize or sympathize about. Today, I have two ordinary stories to tell. One story on my personal cruel experience, and another on my friend’s experience.

Story 1: My cruel experience

A simple story to tell about my experience, which was dated back when I was in Dalian, China doing my overseas industrial attachment.

One fine day over the weekend, I was roaming round the busiest town of Dalian city with my mate. Shopping had been a daily chore to us back there, so the two of us had decided to plain enjoy the busy street along with the nice cool weather. As we were starting to mesmerize in the sweet scent and the scenic plot, my leg was jammed within the arms of a little boy. I was dumbfounded by the method, and soon regained my composure. I struggled my way out and had no mercy upon how. What the boy wanted was for us to buy at least a stalk of rose which only cost 5yuan (S$1).

The struggle went on, yet the boy didn’t give up. Only after much struggle, only when he got hold of my mate’s muffler, and only when I started to realize the muffler was tearing into two, I gave in. Together, we bought two stalks of rose and continued our walk. So much effort put in to get two chaps, loaded with hundreds, to buy some roses. What the boy wanted was for us to buy at least a stalk of rose which only cost 5yuan (S$1).

On a return trip, after a movie at one theater house nearby, we were caught up again. Although it was getting dark, the persistence and determination remained strong. This time round was a little girl. She rushed straight into my mate and grabbed her by her jeans with all her might. Nothing could be done, even when we resisted. She just didn’t give up. What the girl wanted was for us to buy at least a stalk of rose which only cost 5yuan (S$1).

We battled. Physically and verbally. She didn’t give up, we didn’t give in. And the struggle went on for a while. Only when the little girl realized how cruel we might be, only when the little girl realized we had dragged her almost onto the two-lane carriageway, and only when the little girl realized her words, her tears and her effort were of no use to get two chaps, loaded with hundreds, to buy some roses again. She gave up. The last sentence I heard from her was simply (in Chinese), “You bought roses from him (the little boy), why not from me?” The last sight of her was – she wiped away her falling tears, turned around and walked away. Tears were rolling still, when she hung the bucket of roses on one hand and with another clinging onto some strangers to buy her roses. What the girl wanted was for us to buy at least a stalk of rose which only cost 5yuan (S$1).

-it happens on the street opposite this building.

Since then, the struggles, the persuasive words, the cries, and especially the last sentence of that little girl still echo in my mind. I can visualize that whole situation as if it just happened yesterday. I was indeed cruel. I could have bought it. I could have bought it. There was no need for a struggle. It was one buck to me, not even enough for a chicken rice meal or a meepok dry. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking. Perhaps, what’s done is done. Neither can I rectify the whole issue nor can I reach the little girl again. And I’m very guilty and these experience will stay haunting me.

Since then, whenever I walked passed one with a bowl or one with tissues, that incident would reappear in mind and I would not hesitate to drop a penny or two or buy some tissues.

Story 2: A friend’s experience

It happened to her at some point in life in the past. It was in one of Singapore’s busiest underpass, connecting orchard mrt to many different parts/buildings of orchard road. There was an old lady, physically disabled. Her scent was certainly unpleasant. She was praying for enough pennies to buy herself a proper meal. No one seemed to care at that moment. And out of desperation, she decided to start approaching strangers instead.

Many were irritated. Some were really annoyed. The more people she approached, the more people tried to avoid. Perhaps it was really “peak” hour. Everybody seemed to be in a rush. No one seemed to care. Nothing good and kind happened until she met my kind friend. After much words of persuasion, the intention was pretty clear, and what caught my friend’s attention was, “…please! I’m really hungry and I just wanted enough money for a proper meal….” Without further ado, a ten dollars’ note was passed, and he rushed away for a running-late-meeting. Despite her physical disability, the old lady hurried to my friend and whispered, “God bless your kind soul.”

Perhaps, the money to the little boy will end up in the hands of the master. Perhaps, the old lady wanted the money for another cause. Whatever it is or may be, does it really matters? There's a clich'e saying that goes, "Is the thought that counts." It's like buying a gift for a person's birthday, you don't care much regarding how he uses/treats your gift. It's your thoughts that count. Perhaps, we can apply this to the above situations, and stop thinking where it will land. What goes around, will come back to you one day.

Saturday Party Fever!

2005-09-06T18:34:00.000+08:00

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate." - Oprah Winfrey

-group photo

Weekend was fantastic. Saturday party fever you can call it. Attended Sarah's 21st birthday at the Legend's Country Club. That international buffet dinner was fabulous. Once again Sarah, I would like to wish you a Happy 21st Birthday with many joys and laughters. Welcome to the adult world. Well, I would love to join you, but my time ain't right yet.

-gorgeous, but i'm just wondering if she was still sober then after much wine.

-poor hungry sarah. only left with a small piece of her cake.

-the four smart peepsss

Party was certainly fantastic. But that's not all. Went down to sahara (an arabian pub) for some sheesha and some cold beer. Woohoo. We eventually got picked up for some dance, which we have no idea how. Well, to save some faces, we managed to "pretend" to know how.

The night ended around 5am after a good supper at the usual hang-out. Cheers.

Nothing Compares To You.

2005-08-31T21:25:00.000+08:00

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever
I wantI can see whomever
I chooseI can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothingI said nothing can take away this blues
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you.

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n' guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl you better try to have fun
No matter what you doBut he's a fool
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you.

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you.

Damages.

2005-08-28T01:58:00.000+08:00

Everything in life damages. They tend to dent something, change someone and affect somehow. We think about things, do things and say things. Often, these actions affect. And many a time, we do not realize. Yet, at the other end of the line, issues are altered; mentality changes and people are damaged, physically or emotionally. Sometimes they affect in the good way and sometimes in the bad. While the damages will not manifest itself most of the time, the chronic impact that it contains may well be unimaginable.

Today – a bad day. Everything popped up out of nowhere. Everything wasn’t in your way smoothly. Every element of bad feelings flowed in. The first thing you wanted so much to do was to be alone for a while. The last thing you didn’t want was to see another bad event coming your way. But your luck was rotten and your order of “first thing, last thing” got reversed.

It’s only natural for bad thoughts to enter your mind after many unforeseen events. These thoughts build up in your mind as bad experiences or motives. As time passes by, they change your concept and mentality on certain stuffs, they changes your whole point of view and how you going to react to a certain issues and they changes you. You feel so cautious now, you don’t feel natural and you don’t feel yourself. Bottom-line – the things you think will damage.

Today – a fruitful day. You fell into a deep discussion with your fellow buddies about an interesting topic about lust, infatuation and love. You guys debated and concluded on the clear difference, in view of thin-invisible lines each has. Your understanding hit another level.

Perhaps, today in that discussion you engaged in, you’ve said nothing wrong, you’ve done nothing wrong and you’re clear about your intentions. But, people still get affected. Words are always so powerful and damaging. You wouldn’t know how, you wouldn’t know why.

Knowing something before experiencing it and knowing something when you’re experiencing it is a total different matter altogether. Like the child who is about to learn how to stand on his feet and walk with the knowledge of the many consequences of falling. Bottom-line – the things you say will damage.

Today – a disgusting day. I saw a young Indian kid got spat at by several Chinese kids at the playground. I saw a secondary school educator laughing, together with his clique, at a semi-autistic girl in uniform of their school at the nearby coffee-shop. I saw a little girl who got caned so badly by her mother for god knows why at the void deck.

Actions, Actions and more disgusting ones. The aftermath of each action is pretty much obvious over here and needless for me to explain, and that I’ll just leave this section empty for you to fill it in. Bottom-line – the things you do will damage.

By far, till today, how much have we been damaged? This is a question that I can never answer. But I know these damages are done by my parents, by my friends/lovers and by me, which make up the imperfections in me, in you, in us.

Word of wisdom: Watch your thoughts, watch your words and watch your actions. They are the ultimate weapons of destruction.

Enjoy!

A Short Thought.

2005-08-27T04:31:00.000+08:00

I couldn't spare much time these days to post any entries. I'm too held up with things on hand. Couldn't seem to get much burden off my back. But like the busiest street around, there bound to be a traffic light. That's where a pause will be, an indication of rest. It's just a matter of time. It's just about the time. It's all about when.

Just a short one here today. Lifted it off somewhere I read.

"Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive." - Mitch Albom

Think about it. Cheers and Enjoy!

You are your key.

2005-08-24T01:28:00.000+08:00

Have you wondered before about the conscious and subconscious world?

Every individual thinks. Their thinking can be anything that can range from life, love, problems, past issues, ongoing/upcoming issues etc. Although these thoughts may differ in many aspects, the tone can be generally categorized into optimistic and pessimistic. They either ponder about the best of the best in all possible worlds or deepen into the gloomiest possible views. Whichever it may be, there’s an impact on how and what the outcome will be.

Life is a complicated journey we must walk. It offers us with many things beyond our expectations. It offers us with opportunity, speaking of which we often let it pass by. It offers us with challenges that we sometime find it hard to overcome. It offers us different directions that put us in a dilemma of choices. Sometimes we get so breathless and tired of living, while sometimes we just smile at it and fasten our pace. Hence, in order to keep up on track, we must do things in the right way and live it right.

The power of human mind is the key. It’s you who control your feelings. It’s you who choose your thoughts. It’s you who determine the portrayal of yourself. You, like anybody else, have the power to do things beyond the limits that you think you can reach. You, like anybody else, have the power to organize your life within your palm. You are the answer to your doubts and your desires.

In my point of view, the subconscious mind plays a more important role than the conscious mind. From my belief, a successful person is one who can control his subconscious mind in the right sense, the right way.

Take doing comprehension for example (got this theory from a book), the teacher always reminds the student to glance through the questions first before reading the passage, and then read the passage twice. Why is this so? The reason is simple. When you read the questions, you register them in your subconscious mind which constantly tries to tackle the questions before and when more information is being registered. And hence, you sometimes find it easier to complete the comprehension in that sense. This theory goes the same way as for the mind map. That is why by looking at the big picture first, helps in the analysis when looking into the details. Whatever it is, my point is – the power of your subconscious mind.

Many times in our life, when things happen in an unfavourable manner, we complain about it. Sometimes, we complain so much that we constantly remind ourselves in our subconscious world although it seems like it has moved on in our conscious world.

Many times in our life, we include the word “if” in our thoughts or conversation etc. We use it to describe our past, present or future (think about it). Some are positive “ifs” and some are negative “ifs”. The “ifs”, however will stay in our subconscious world and will always be that way, unless we take actions to erase these “ifs” in our conscious world.

Experiences, be it the good ones or the bad ones, stays in the conscious mind for a while and leave but not the subconscious mind, which stays there forever. These experiences in the subconscious world constantly remind us on how to do the things right or how to prevent yourself from making the same mistakes again etc.

In conclusion, never let your subconscious mind controls you. Instead, control your subconscious mind and you know you have the power to. Your conscious mind has too many things to handle like your actions and reactions etc. On the other hand, your subconscious mind is always doing the thinking, whether or not you are aware of, even when you’re asleep. Therefore, since you have one life to live, which means you have one chance to do it and live it right. Be optimistic and dream what you want to dream, dare to do and reach where and what you want and live a better, happier life.

All these may sound complicated, confusing or even contradicting and controversial, but hope you can get what I’m trying to put across to you. Below is something a friend had shared with me in the past and I will like to share it with you guys. Enjoy!

When you think,
it becomes your thoughts,
which will lead to your motives.

Your motives,
will become your actions,
which will soon become your habits.

Your habits,
will determine your character,
which will then be your destiny.

Told by Sarah – a friend of mine.

My regrets.

2005-08-22T02:04:00.000+08:00

At some point in life, we regret. We regret about the things we have done and said. We regret about the things we have left undone and unsaid. Some regrets conquer our thoughts. Some regrets turn our hearts sour.

Yes. We shall never regret our actions. Yes. We must always think before we act to save ourselves from regretting. Yes. We must do this we must do that to safeguard ourselves from this from that. Yes. If only there are written procedures and precautions like those in my laboratory manuals. Yes. If only there’s a standard operating procedures in life. Yes. If only we are perfect. But, if only there isn’t any “ifs”. Let’s put these rules aside, and allow the “childish” feel of human flow.

The little girl regretted not giving the lollipop to her playmate she had in nursery. The young boy regretted not putting your mind and concentration on studies and that he is now a drop-out, living life as it passes each day – aimlessly somehow. The teenage chap regretted for laying his fists on his grandfather, so hard that he passed away, and that he is sitting quietly in jail now. The young man regretted so much that he had put pleasure over precaution, and that he is going to be a father soon. The young woman regretted so much that she had chosen abortion over an innocent life, and that she cries so painfully each night as it wasn’t her right choice.

Of many regrets that I’ve had, some of which I could hardly remember and some of which I could never forget, they are mostly wrong decisions made or issues left undone. As much as life continues, they still harbour in my mind, my thoughts.

Dated back when I was still a young boy in primary school during the mid 1990s, I regretted for filling the cap of the correction pen with the correction liquid and closed it. The pen belonged to my classmate sitting next to me and the next thing I know, her whole table, shirt and skirt was smeared with the liquid when she uncapped the pen. I got shouted so loudly, which I didn’t really care. She sobbed so pitifully that made me felt so guilty. Her name was Jan.

Dated back when I was still a young teenager my secondary school times, I regretted so much for not letting nature take its course. Instead, for some personal reasons, I pulled out. It goes like this. There was this fantastic girl that came into my life. She was so nice to me and was almost perfect for me at that point of time. Romance entered our life with sweetest words floating around us. Like everyone else would expect a bonding among me and her. Nothing happened. I freaked out and pulled out. I had a hundred-and-eighty degree change. I became another person overnight, and soon – gone. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I was afraid. Whatever it was, I didn’t do what I feel right about. I didn’t follow my heart and let the nature work its magic. I regretted. Her name was Grace.

Dated back when I was waiting for my polytechnic admission after my O’s, I regretted for throwing a punch at my close friends over a girl that tried to resist his touchy actions. I punched him so hard on your cheekbone area that he fell immediately with his nose bleeding. Back then, there were a big woo-ha over this issue. But, what was done was done. We can’t simply turn back the time. His name was Alex.

Recently, I regretted so much to initiate a break-up with my ex-girl, who just discharged from a serious accident and with a post-trauma temporary memory loss. Under the intense pressure from her parents, and that fingers were pointing at me for the cause, and that she didn’t recognize me and our past much, and only to know and reminded that I was her boyfriend, I decided to leave her for good. Everything was fine like before. It wasn’t a big issue to her, for she didn’t have the memory of us, but it meant a world to me. I was holding up strong though it hurt me so much back then. Many memories returned and conquered my mind. And things started to tear apart when her memories returned. Her name was Genevieve.

Many things happen every single day. Some days seem to go smoothly as you wish. Some days seem like a struggle. Life is full of choices, and we made the wrong one sometimes. Remorse and denial set in, but will soon go away. We will pick ourselves up and moved on with life. And although we have moved on, they will stay with us and remind us in our sub-conscious world, so as we won’t make the same mistake again.

So, have you regretted? What is your regret? Share with us in my comment section. Enjoy.

Is that what you see?

2005-08-19T00:07:00.000+08:00

Ahh. Finally gotten some time to give myself some peace. I've been real busy these days, juggling with my work and studies. Trying hard to complete tasks to meet deadlines. Of course, like everyone else, these projects/assignments/reports just seem never-ending. Still, it has come to a short pause. As for now, I shall gather tidy up my thoughts and put them into words.

Few things have been happening around me. Something didn't really bother me much. But, some just made my blood boil.

Many a time, which I won't deny, we are so narrow-minded. In the heat of moment, we only believe in what we see. While apart of knowing the fact that it’s the wrong thing that we are actually seeing, we often reject any explanations. When there is always (I meant all the time) two sides to a story, we resign to the clear side that we witness.

Miscommunication tends to work around us. And it becomes an issue when we misinterpret the situation and react in a wrongful circumstance. This is what I personally called - The Evolution of Misunderstanding.

For you, Mr-Misunderstanding

I curse you,
for giving me a body without brain.
I curse you again,
for giving me hands without fingers.
I swear at you,
for giving me legs with another shorter.
I swear at you again,
for giving me a heart that does not feel.

yq
0000h
19Aug'05

Hypocrisy

2005-08-15T01:28:00.000+08:00

As usual, someone who needs extra cash for greater spending power like myself has dragged his feet to work in the noon. And like every other workplaces, they harbour lovely politices. People just like to talk so much. Be it good, be it bad. Be it at your back, or at your face. My motto still stands - ignorance is the best virtue.

To each a unique life leaves unspoken stories. For a different story, it offers a different kind of taste. Sometime sweet, and sometime bitter. It's going to a never-ending of twists and turns. So much to live a merrier life, we often think and feel. So much to live a happier life, we often sob and tear. Life has too much to offer me, of which I can never take and return. Thus, I shall just resign to fate to work its magic.

Today, I shall tell a different story. A story about hypocrisy. A story which relates more about ourselves.

Many a time, we judge a book by its cover. (And yes, we are in no position to judge no one. But you know yourself best. ) For example, the first impression you have, the first sentence he says to you, the first feeling you feel etc. Little do we know, the art of hypocrisy exists in our world all the time that tend to blind us from truth. The sweetness of words may have already melt your heart. The gentleness in him may have already conquer your thoughts. But is he who he really are, or just another hypocrites?

You know yourself best (It's you who think that you don't know yourself.) You just know what you like most and what you hate core. But you just wouldn't admit. For a hypocritical life may be just what you want after all, like myself. Not that you possess a borderline personality or whatsoever. It's that you just don't want to be known. As controversial as it may be, wouldn't you agree?

How many times can we actually let our souls free? How many times can we do the things we really want to do? How many times can we say the things we want to do without causing any effects? How many times do we really have our own freewill on anything? My answer to mine was "not many times." For we are often bound with restrictions. For we are not living alone.

If you asked. Am I who I really am or am I just who I really want myself to be or am I who he wants me to be? My reply will always finish with a question mark.

At the end of the day, is the truth really that important? We are always so curious about truth. However, when it comes to light, it often trips us into many aspects of feel. Denial sets in and so on. At times, it may put a smile up hanging by us. But still, is it really that important?

I want to live my life my way. Can I?

Just my little pessimistic thoughts here. Mind me.

Tell me. What's life all about?

2005-08-13T00:50:00.000+08:00

Phew, what a day. Sticking to my daily routine, I went on my dreadful forty-five minutes journey to school, and you know what's next. Sometimes it just makes me wonder - "What is life?" My life is nothing but a routine, and if that's what you call life, I'm dumbfounded. So, this question mark went on throughout my day.

My perception

What is life?
Some say it's about overcoming obstacles.
Some say it's about challenging uncertainties.
Some say it's about character building.
Some say it's about happiness searching.
I say it's awaiting death.

Is it fair?
God said so. It is fair.
Society said so. It is fair.
He said so. It is fair.
You said so. It is fair.
I say no. It is not.

Convince me and tell me why.
God told Adam not to do. He did it.
Society told you not to do. You did it.
He told her not to do. She did it.
You told me not to follow the devil in me,
but I replied, "Take a good look at the new-born."

Little are platinum-fed.
Few are gold-fed.
Handfuls are silver-fed.
Many are bronze-fed.
Tons are paper-fed,
or worse, no-fed.

So,
you call that fair?
If,
you said so.
Then,
I'm speechless.

yq-
0045h
13-08-05

Just my 2-cents worth. Just my thoughts. Just how i feel. Enjoy!

Words can kill.

2005-08-10T04:36:00.000+08:00

Do you believe that I am connected to you in a way or another and ever wonder how many pieces you will affect when you criticize, insult or just commenting?

Basically, I picture life as one big jigsaw puzzle without any boundaries and I am a piece of this big puzzle of life. You are an unique piece in the puzzle too and I am connected to you. Maybe through a hundred pieces, a thousand pieces, a million pieces, or maybe just the next few. Whatever and wherever we are in this boundless life puzzle we need each other here to make my life, your life complete. To sum it up, we are dependant on one another, whether you like it or not, that's fact and that's life.

Let me tell you why. Let's run back to the point when you are in your mother's womb. The small little "you" is very dependant on your mother to provide you with everything that is essential for your survival. When you matured in the womb and ready to face the world, you need the doctor's help. And throughout your childhood and teenage years till you become an adult, you depend on your parents for guidance, financial needs etc. In your education journey, you depend on your mentors and in your social circle, you depend on your friends for support too etc. When you turn to an adult, you will still need someone's help somehow sometime. You will need your husband/wife for love, for care and concern, for sex and for reproduction etc. And even you are old, you still need company. In conclusion, whatever is the case, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how independent you are, you are still dependant on somebody out there. And surely, there are many out there who need you and depend on you too. Think about it. Am I right?

Back to the puzzle piece. Usually, a piece constitutes four connecting sides. And in this life puzzle, I picture these four connecting sides as your parents, your siblings, your lover and your friends. However, these sides change in shapes and sizes with the ever-changing feelings. At one point, it may fits so well with another, yet at another point, it will seem rather distorted.

A distortion with a piece may and can seriously affect the next and the next and so on. And as much as one shall always know themselves best, but without a strong state of mind, your flying words can hurt.

Words of Wisdom: Rescue the being by killing the beast

My last piece...

2005-08-08T17:48:00.000+08:00

When there is a beginning, there is an end. For I shall start with an ending before a whole new beginning. This is my last piece i wrote for her...

A different sight

The silhoutte with an angelic aura
appears in my mind every moment.
Down at the outskirt of this world
she meant the whole world to me.
Life itself is a puzzle
that makes her a piece and connects to me.
Love itself is a mystery
that needs her to nurture.
So much complications in our life
makes everything seems all so impossible.
Too little tales around
to match our stories together.
For life to me has seemed so meaningless now
i will just have you in my heart.

yq
-07/06/05
-02:29am